I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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