So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
