Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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