i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
