i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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