I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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