you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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