Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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