why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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