HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
