I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
