We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
