3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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