If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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