Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
This is my gift to your gina
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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