dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Houston, we have a blender
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
