I will die if light touches me.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The best revenge is premature balding
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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