Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I am one with the molecules
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
