He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
