woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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