there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
