Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
