Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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