It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dicks are not precious.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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