He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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