Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
