So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
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