I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
