I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize