Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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