Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
