How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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