Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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