sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
