is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
