I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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