Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
