I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
