my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
