Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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