shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
