a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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