He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
