i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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