when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize