My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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