im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize