Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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