Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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