Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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