he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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