so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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