I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
