call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
