i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
