and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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