I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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