I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Never joke about your clitoris.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
