i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It's blow job season.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
