Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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