i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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